Most of the time I write with a very positive tone because I’m an optimistic when it comes to my relationship with Jay. I’m almost always the happiest when I think of him or talk to him….almost always. When you love someone, whether romantically or not, you share rarely fond moments and memories with them. Sometimes when you’re apart those happy thoughts fade away. You sit there alone missing them, with a pain inside your heart….a loneliness and ache so painful it’s unparalleled by any other feeling.
Every once in a while I’ll think of Jay living in the Netherlands and me living in the US. I’ll think of how close we grew when we attended university together and how quickly it all changed when he moved to Australia. I’ll think about how all I want to do is hop on the next flight to Europe and run to him (or bike…the Dutch love their bikes). Long distance relationships are hard and sometimes they downright suck! One of the other LDRBN members, Taylor, taught us a term she learned from her Portuguese boyfriend: saudade. The expression doesn’t have a direct translation into English, but it is essentially the feeling I described….that ache and longing for the one you love.
When I ever feel overwhelmed because I miss Jay I really try to zero in on my thoughts. I try to rationalize my thinking and tell myself that we have to be long distance for the time being until he gets his masters degree. Sometimes logic and rationalization does not work. It’s like I’m throwing a hissy fit against myself. I just can’t make sense of the current situation and all I want to do is hug Jay. I want to cook dinner together and watch movies and explore New York City. I just want to be close to him so I can see his face and hear his voice in person and not through a computer screen.
If logic doesn’t work my first step is to express myself. The feelings of saudade really motivate me to write blog posts. I find that when my emotions are heightened it’s best to let all of my thoughts into words. Sometimes the posts I write when I’m feeling this sad ache do get published to my blog, but other times they just serve as an exercise to release some of the tension that’s built up inside me.
For days when I’m not feeling incredibly creative I like to trade in the blog posts for some Netflix. Watching a movie I’ve never seen before helps keep my mind off of missing Jay (provided it’s not one of those chick flick movies). Sometimes I like to watch movies that Jay and I have seen together. It helps me remember more happy occasions and that happiness starts to overshadow my saudade. If I start a new show on Netflix this also helps me by shifting my focus from missing Jay to learning about all of these new characters’ lives.
Speaking of characters…I also love to read books when I can’t stop thinking about Jay. It is so easy to get swept away into a book and it makes you feel like you are one of the characters. I’m no longer in a long distance relationship, I’m no longer sad and lonely. Instead, I am an adventurous young woman planning to run away from home and make it on my own OR I am a rebellious teenager who’s only passion in life is cooking. Regardless of what I read about, I’m drawn into the story and forget about any problems or thoughts I had before picking up the book.
When mental stimulation isn’t enough I turn to exercise. I’ve played a variety of sports and taken several exercise classes, but nothing clears my mind quite like running. There’s something very freeing about it when you take off from your home on a mini adventure. I like to listen to music when I run and this also helps me to focus my attention away from missing Jay. I get lost in the music, the scenery, and the burn of my muscles. I always feel happy after running, regardless of how crappy I felt during the run or how upset I was before it.
No matter how hard I try to remedy my saudade sometimes I fail with all of my methods. Luckily there is still one more thin that helps me through this deep sadness…crying. I am not very big on crying. I’m uncomfortable when others cry around me and I rarely cry around others.Once every once in awhile you really need to have a good, long cry. Crying is healthy and can really help me relieve stress and release my emotions when saudade gets the better of me.
How do you deal with feelings of saudade? What do you do to help ease the ache of missing your SO? I’d love to know! I’m always looking for new ways to distract myself from the sadness.
My post was Inspired by this Blogging Prompt: Saudade