Jay is moving back to the states this year. You heard that right, THIS year. I should be nothing but excited, awaiting the day where I pick him up from the airport and he doesn’t have that lingering return ticket. I should be thinking of how to celebrate closing the distance and planning our first date as a non-LDR couple again. But instead I feel anxious whenever I think about it.
The closer we get to being together the more unrealistic it appears to me. My mind creates disillusions, forcing me to filter through my thoughts and determine which represent reality. I’m getting lost in the whirlwind and distortion of my own thoughts.
The “what if”scenarios that plagued the beginning of my LDR are all creeping back into my head, only this time the questions are even worse. What if he changes his mind? What if his thesis takes longer than expected and he doesn’t make it here until next year? What if he comes back and doesn’t like it as much as the Netherlands? I’m stranded inside the what ifs once again and there isn’t an easy escape.
But maybe that’s just my mind trying to protect my heart. Who’s to say that our challenges are all over once Jay moves back? There are still going to be issues of distance once he returns because now he’ll be away from his family. And later on, if we’re still together, maybe I’ll be the one moving away from my family to go closer to his. Maybe all these negative thoughts and anxiety aren’t really about closing the distance. What if they’re actually about the inevitable obstacles in our future? My mind isn’t messing with my emotions to stress me out. It’s trying to wake me up to the reality of my future with Jay. It’s trying to show me that LDR couples may never fully escape the distance.